girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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