absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize