I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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