I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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