Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
