wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
