i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
