how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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