So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
