Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
