We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
