you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize