Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
