Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
