This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
