I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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