Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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