Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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