he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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