I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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