I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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