Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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