I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
