he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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