Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
