My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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