So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
