She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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