he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
