the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
