The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
