Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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