He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm like, not good at living.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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