I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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