I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
