Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
