Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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