she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
