if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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