he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
