i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Houston, we have a blender
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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