just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
