I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You can't just leave with hair like that
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
