Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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