I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
So many bounce houses so little time
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
