You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Oh god it's open bar.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize