how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
