He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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