If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
