some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
