My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
