Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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