life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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