she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
