Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize