oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
