I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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