Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
