Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
