she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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